My Father Killed Me Long Before I Was Meant To Die

My yesterday night was wonderful.
Absolutely splendid.
Sitting in the basement with my cousins laughing, taking obscene and random photographs of one another as we prance around the room.
And yes, we are "adults"/ grown woman..Whatever you'd like to call it..
But some things never get old..Or at least not for us.
It doesn't get any better than that..
But it does.
We ended up going upstairs to where my 2 uncles and 2 aunts were sitting and just relaxing. Needless to say my uncles had knocked back a few drinks.
Let the good times roll in...
We laughed together at random jokes and sat and listened to stories that made no sense or had any relevance to the moment.

Uncle 1 : " I want a motorbike. "
Uncle 2 : " Yeah me too, that way we can take our girlfriends to the cinema."
Aunt 2 : "Did you hear what he just said! Girlfriends to the cinema! What about the wives? "
Uncle 2 : " Well why can't you be my girlfriend?"
Aunt 2 : " Because I'm your wife. "
Uncle 2 : " Yes, but now you can upgrade to being my girlfriend. "
* UPGRADE? *
Aunt 1 : " Lets sit on the couch my back hurts."
Uncle 2 : " Why? You don't want to be a girlfriend? "
What does her back have to do with being a girlfriend?

Uncles : " So you girls should start to learn how to cook for when you get married."
Girls : " No, our husbands can do the cooking."
Uncles : " See this is going to be a problem, When I ask my boys they say that their wife will
cook and when I ask the girls they say their husbands will cook! "
Girls : " Then we'll invite you guys over and make you cook for us."

Then there was the burnt tea kettle story.

Aunt 1 : " Yes see you've been caught on candid camera."
Uncle 1 : " Candid camera, OOOOOOOH."

Another story about his wallet falling through a hole in his pocket and him feeling something heavy near his foot in line at the grocery store.

Uncle 1 : " You know getting old is weird. You start getting hair in places you never had before. It stops growing on your head and starts growing out of your ears and on your hands and your nose."
Uncle 2 : " Yeah he used to have noses on his hair!"
Girls : " Noses on his hair?"
Uncle 2 : " You know what I mean. I think if I didn't trim my nose hair it would be longer than my moustache."

Another story about how they sometimes forget their close friends names. He knew everything about the guy and remembered all the things they used to do when they were young but he couldn't for the life of him remember his name.

Uncle 1 : " So what were you girls up to?"
Girls : " Oh nothing."
Uncle 2 : " Yeah that's what we always used to say to when we were asked that."
Uncle 1 : " Yeah no matter what we'd been doing, when our parents asked we would say nothing. Don't worry you don't have to tell us."
Girls : * Whew *

It was a real experience, this happens pretty often with my family. Where the older generation and the younger one just all hang out and laugh together. It's so beautiful we learn so much about them, they are really cool people with some interesting stories and a wicked sense of humor. One thing I really like is they don't seem to feel like they have to censor themselves. They talk to us like were adults, which we are I guess, and it makes us feel good.

I love my family. Even with all the internal conflicts and fights and useless grudges that we cant let go of sometimes. I still love em. Wouldn't trade em for the world, Each and every member brings something unique to the picture.

My uncle says see we wont ever forget this night.
My aunt says you cant remember your friends names but you'll remember this?
Yes.
I think he's right.

I Don't See The Girl You Say I Am When I Look In The Mirror

My uncle has 3 children and also raised me.
So essentially he has 4 children.
4 girls to be correct.

4 girls!
Can you imagine trying to raise 4 girls?
In my opinion girls are harder to raise then boys. But hey that's just my take.
To make things a bit more crazy:
I am his niece, His sisters daughter.
He has 2 girls from his previous marriage.
He has a baby girl with his wife.
that's 3 different moms that he's also got to deal with.

Someone said to me " Well maybe he isn't capable of producing males. "
I thought no, that's highly unlikely.
That got me to thinking why is it that his life involves so many females?
Karma.
Its hard to be objective about people you are close to. But this time I had to be.
I figure he carries a debt to females from a previous lifetime.
But what would he have done in another lifetime?
Perhaps he was one of those men who had many wives and treated them all badly.
Perhaps he was a womanizer.
Or maybe a rapist. *shudders*
Maybe that's why he's got 4 girls to worry about, and their mothers to deal with.

I don't really know. But it almost makes sense doesn't it.

Asides from that. We bought out our neighbor's house and the renovation began today. We're taking the house apart tearing down most of the walls and all that other jazz. The fun part is that I can paint my room and do something exciting with it. Also I get a larger room, considering I'm gonna be bumming off my family till I'm done university. Which is still a few more years. Suckers.
so I'm tired. Got to be up early tomorrow morning to keep working on this house. We have to have the majority of the things done by the 1st so the clock is working against us. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
It'll bring us closer to the end.

* A little note for fun, when I ran spell check on this post it brought up womanizer and the only alternative it gave me was homemaker. ha, up yours! *

I Love Being In A Not-So-Normal State Of Mind

Some days things don't go according to plan.
They turn out better.
I think I'm too needy.
I do things I sometimes shouldn't.
Like over-eat.
I'm thin.
But maybe not thin enough.
Some times I cant help it.
I cry when I'm sad.
I'm sad often.
Usually for no real reason, just cause.
To control ones mind, a very difficult thing it is.
I have no control over some things.
If this makes any sense then continue reading.
I am a cartoon.
I am a figment of your imagination.
You think I'm crazy.
But I am.
A figment of your imagination.
What you think I am.
I may very well not be.
Thus that would make me a figment of your imagination.
If you followed that.
I salute you.
If not.
Good night.

I Want To Cut Off Her Hands So She Will Stop Knocking On My Door While I'm Trying To Shower

Today I don't have much to say which is odd considering that its me and I usually always have something or other to rant about...Or a random topic to talk aimlessly on.
but right now...I've got nothing..
maybe that's a good thing...Maybe this is what being content is...Everything is in it's place.
yes, indeed I am content.

I Assume

I love assuming things...
I assumed about people and was proven right.
I assume I don't really care right now, I'm better off alone anyway.
I assume I'll never talk to them again.
I assume children will grow up ungrateful.
I assume he'll marry me.
I assume sometimes things are often better left unsaid.
I assume sometimes your better off not knowing.
I assume that some ties can never really be broken.
I assume love means forever.
I assume that no matter how hard it is I will paint my face with a smile.
I assume no one will see through this deception.
I assume I shall carry on acting like everything is normal.
I assume this will work, it always has.

I Wonder Why You Are Still Here

High school is a weird place isn't it?
So weird. I didn't really enjoy it much.
Some of the things are funny in retrospect.
They talked about developing independence and the importance of doing what you are told in the same breath...
If someone tried to hold me in a place against my will today... I don't think I would stay. I'm surprised I was so willing to follow all the rules. And when I did break the rules it was mostly for the sake of breaking the rules. There was so little outside perspective back then.
It breeds a certain ignorance of the outside world. Out of sight, out of mind.
It's worse than ignorance though.
Ignorance is eminently treatable. Arrogance on the other hand, especially ignorant arrogance, seems nearly invulnerable. I guess most arrogance has some basis in ignorance and most ignorance is strongly influenced by arrogance.
But sympathy?
Sympathy is no replacement for empathy. Not in this situation at least.And arrogant sympathy? Sympathy stemming from the belief that yours is the right view and you just need to understand the other beliefs for utilitarian reasons? You just need to understand other beliefs in order to get other people to change their beliefs?
That isn't even sympathy.
That's manipulation.
A heavy negative connotation on that word. And for good reason. It's fundamentally antisocial. It's self-centered (or group-centered as the case may be). That sort of attitude is both arrogant and ignorant.
"When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
How can you truely have an open mind?
It seems pretty impossible.

I Depend On You To Give Me Happiness

adapting.
where would we be had we not been given that skill? So many things in life we have to continuously change for, so many things we have to get used to, we have to learn to how fucking deal.
its a wonderful thing. One I don't think we pay enough mind to. How strong the mind is to be able to cope with so many things. To get us through the daily grind. It does its best to keep us sane. It controls us.
well it has control unless something else has taken over.
addiction.
they take over the mind and control is handed over. If the mind is such a key tool and can be overthrown by addiction. Then addiction is much more powerful, more so than your mind.
how odd.
good vs. Evil.
mind vs. Addiction.
in the end, which one really wins?

If My Children Are Ugly I Fear I Will Love Them Less

you say never, and for a moment you actually have me convinced.
but never is a promise and you cant afford to lie.
it was a lie.
never, it means shit to me now.
all the things you say you'd "never" do you've done.
When will you learn?
When will you stop trying to test unknown waters?
When will you find the limit you are pushing towards?
When will this be over?
Will it ever truly be over?

Yes This Obsession Will Shorten My Life

She sits... Her Mind being pulled in nine directions..Doubts and worries and "if's" clouding her otherwise good judgment..What to do?
its obvious though no matter how many times this question is asked..The answer remains..Nothing..Silence..Beautiful silence..No sweeter sounds has ever been known..To her.
for how many more days and nights will she continue to look for something abstract hoping to achieve some sort of solitude in hunger..Some sort of deranged victory in starvation ..In pushing beyond her limits...For no real reason... Just to see what will happen..To see how far she can push ..Just the minimum requirements to live..
how nice it would be to live off of just the air..
to rid yourself of NEED... You don't need anything..Or anyone. Its just you.. And surprisingly you can still carry on..
well she's still living..So maybe this will work for her..Somehow...Or maybe someone will actually see her..See beyond the smile she paints on every morning to face the world..See beyond the staged confidence...The fake happiness..And save her..
she NEEDS
to be saved...From herself.

I Take Pills From The Cupboard That Aren't Mine

things have been happening..As they always do..The world keeps spinning..And the clock keeps ticking...Life goes on.

I've never had a problem with admitting my mistakes and taking the blame for my own actions..I always stand by what I do..Whether its wrong or right..But I hate taking the blame for other peoples bullshit..That's what seems to be happening..But the person I'm taking the blame for..Even if I had some way of making everyone see that it was this individual...I would probably still take the blame for it...Its one of those " no, this person is far too great to do something like that and this person wouldn't lie, not ever " some people are sooo good at portraying themselves to be things they are not and this person has made deceiving appearances an art. Kudos to you. You've gotten away with something at my expense yet again.

I've shut people out of my life now..I don't need them..I'm done...I don't know how many times I've felt like this as of lately.. This feeling is becoming all too familiar..

I've been questioning something lately..That I just now realized that I'm crazy for even doubting..That if I ever once acted on those doubts..I probably would have been better off taking a sledge hammer and destroying my world..And the precious walls that surround me..I'm glad I've come to my senses before something went wrong..Its now time to start putting more effort into this thing..And making it work.making it last...This is worth it..No matter what anyone else thinks..This is what I need...This ones the real deal...I know I can do this...

these are battles that I will not lose..