Days Beyond

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep..

2011-05-20T09:36:00.001-06:00

Lord give me strength to endure and conquer. Help me triumph.

Wu Tang is for the Children

Momma Always Told Me

2011-04-11T22:28:00.000-06:00

Everyday I'm Hustling

2011-01-18T14:19:00.000-06:00

I can't even put into words the kind of shit I've been dealing with.
All to get registered into my classes which I was informed previously
wouldn't be a problem in any capacity. Running around listening to
people change their stories. Never consistent. This does not have to
be this hard I don't know why they are making it so. To say I'm livid
would be an understatement.

Wu Tang is for the Children

My Love

2011-01-08T22:39:00.001-06:00

My World Is A'Changin

2011-01-08T21:18:00.001-06:00

I feel like I have a clean slate. A fresh new start. But you know it's
not what you've got so much as how you use it.

Wu Tang is for the Children

A new heart beat

2010-12-22T22:34:00.001-06:00

In an instant your whole life can change.

Wu Tang is for the Children

Before You My Whole Life Was Acapella

2010-07-26T21:36:00.001-06:00

I don't know what to say other than I hate spending nights alone. Well
I shouldn't say that, I often enjoy my alone time but not every night.
Not tonight.
I'm slowly cutting back and I gotta take a break soon.

Wu Tang is for the Children

Before You My Whole Life Was Acapella

2010-07-12T23:00:00.000-06:00

I think I finially understand this unconditional love. It took me a
while but I get it now. I need to learn to enjoy the moment.
It's summer time and I can't wait. Our symphony is the only song to
sing.

Wu Tang is for the Children

I Could Go Anywhere With You

2010-05-17T21:05:00.002-06:00

This year has been unreal. I've gotten to travel and do more than I thought I would be able to at this point in my life. I have had the best adventures seeing new places and things with the boy. And it doesn't look like its going to stop any time soon either! So far.. south beach, vegas , hawaii , scotland , BC cabin. Next up..New York , Dominican , and cuba!
I'm strigh up happy.
Fuck fake female friends/family. Im going to live my life.

Couch Surf

2010-03-22T22:19:00.001-06:00

Every now and Then I Start to get that fleeting feeling. I get a bit
restless and can't stay still. That need to be free and off and away,
its creeping into my bones. Ill have no choice but to indulge. Just
dive right into the unknown.

-- This message was composed with PhatWare WritePad.

Wu Tang is for the Children

What An Adventure

2010-03-21T01:10:00.001-06:00

He didn't even want to go but I made hime take me. I was not sober and
today we almost got arrested! They even asked him why he was hanging
out with people like me!
What a day. I never would have thought. Goodnight !

Wu Tang is for the Children

Had beer for breakfast today

2010-02-09T22:53:00.001-06:00

Had beer for breakfast today

Wu Tang is for the Children

2010-01-23T11:26:00.001-06:00

Bring It On If You Think You Can Hang

2010-01-13T22:28:00.001-06:00

Every secret is out and I'm still alive ! I can't believe this and I
guess my mom has taken this all rather well.
But above all else I am and always will be thankful for the strong
support I have by my side, the love of my life, my knight in shinning
armour, my prince charming on his white horse. I have the most amazing
man by my side and I feel invincible.

Wu Tang is for the Children

The Kids Aren't Alright

2010-01-06T14:55:00.001-06:00

Yes things are the same as they have always been. My friends are still
the same girls I have know my whole life and I am thankful for them.
My family is the same, only find you when it's needed/convienient for
them and other than that they don't bother. That is unless you kiss
their asses and worship them , as if I ever would ! Now I usually say
I know the more things change the more they stay the same and I
usually can look around and find that to be true, But the times they
are a'changing. I understand that it is up to me to make these
changes.. And I'm gonna go hard.
This time next year I want to be able to look back and think I've had
the best year. That is my new years resolution.

Wu Tang is for the Children

You Spin Me Right Round

2010-01-01T23:56:00.000-06:00

How is it that I feel like things have changed so much and that I have
progressed, and yet everynow and then something always makes me feel
like I'm running in place? How I rang in this new year like I have too
many , alone and stoned. It seems as though that's the theme for me.
But it should not be this way, not at all. I need some inspiration and
some direction once again

Wu Tang is for the Children

This Time Around

2010-01-01T00:19:00.001-06:00

This year I gotta take care of myself, be healthy, exersize more and
smoke less

My Nightly Ritual

2009-09-29T02:15:00.001-06:00

Kiran

The Joy Is In The Ride

2009-09-28T21:09:00.001-06:00

The closer I feel I am to the answers... The faster I learn I am
nowhere near them. I suppose that's why they say life is a
journey .. Because we never quite reach the destination that were
looking for. No but we will reach the inevitable ending.
I need some direction

Subject here

2009-09-17T23:20:00.001-06:00

Kiran

2009-09-17T10:09:00.001-06:00

This is a test... I'll be up here more again if this mobile blogging
thing works !! Fingers crossed and hitting send....
Kiran

If I don't live to see another sunrise

2009-03-09T14:09:00.001-06:00

The last two weeks have been crazy. And today was a day where the universe and I were
Not In sync. We just kept missing each other or it just simply passed me by with no mind. And we are only at 14:07 and I still have work to make it through so here we go. Let's do this love.

Do Not Be Alarmed This is Only a Test

2009-03-01T01:30:00.001-06:00

Hey just testing out this new
Application for my phone where I can update on the go! If this works I will be around here all the time !

Someone That You Think That You Can Trust

2009-02-21T01:46:00.003-06:00

When I feel like I have it all figured out...
I usually don't.
Sometimes I'm so sure about things and other times that is far from the truth, I wish I knew which one was the best.
Well I guess I wish I knew alot of things. I wish I knew how to keep holding this together. I wish I wanted to like I used to.
Now that your finally in I feel like I have one foot out the door.

Second Place Consolation Prize

2009-02-08T11:52:00.002-06:00

I don't want to put all my trust in you when all I am worth is a "maybe" when for me you are an "absolutely"
I don't want to be second best to everyone else in your life when there is no one else in my life I would rather be with than you.
But I always have been and lately you reminded me that I always will be and that's when it finally sunk it. The hurt and the heartache and the years spent waiting for all these "maybe's" and "one day's" to finally come to light. How much longer am I supposed to wait, I have waited for the last six years...what were supposed to be the best years of my life I spent chasing after you, when all you wanted was "maybe".
So if I am not to be found around here anymore it's because I am heartbroken and have lost the love of my life.

I Will Go Down With This Ship

2009-02-07T18:20:00.002-06:00

It's just that I swear you were made for me.

Till We Do This Again

2009-02-07T01:33:00.001-06:00

All you do is look at me with those brown eyes and I just turn to shit.

Bye Bye Birdie

2009-02-06T09:29:00.002-06:00

I haven't been writing much on here myself...lately its mostly been posts of lyrics and such. I never used to do that before I noticed, my older posts from the previous years are all my writing and now...not so much. I think I just don't know how to put the way I feel into words anymore and sometimes songs or lines will reflect so well what I think it is I feel.
And plus somethings I have told myself a million times before and if I didn't get it then I don't know what do short of continually repeating myself.
But that's what I feel like I have been doing, repeating things. The nice thing about this blog is the ability to go through and find posts that reflect what I felt then ...and more remarkably still feel now.

I know I have been in this place before, the same fleeting feeling in my heart. I have written about it countless times here and if you skim through the archives of the last year or two you will see it there more than once. But whats the point of these things and experiences if you never learn or grow from them? What is there to gain by running around in circles? I clearly can't answer those questions, if I could I would not be back in this familiar place. I need to learn to BE the change I wish to see....

..he had realized somewhere deep in his gut, “that is my woman. I will do anything to have that woman.”

How Life Was Supposed To Be

2009-02-04T09:41:00.004-06:00

She's sayin,
"You fuckin them girls disrespectin me?
You don’t see how your lies is effecting me
You don’t see how life was suppose to be
And I never let a man get that close to me
And you ain't cracked up to what you was suppose to be
You always gone you always be were them hoes will be"

And this the first time she ever spilled her soul to me
I fucked up and I know it G
I guess its bittersweet poetry…

Bittersweeeeet,
You're gonna be the death of me
I don't want you, but I need you,
I love you and hate you at the very same time

I Just Want You To Want Me

2009-02-04T08:50:00.001-06:00

We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same
We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain
She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go
She couldn't scream while I held I close
I swore I'd never let her go
Tell me what you wanna know
Oh come on, oh come on, oh come on
There ain't no motive for this crime
Jenny was a friend of mine
So come on, oh come on, oh come on

I know my rights, I've been here all day and it's time
For me to go, so let me know if it's alright
I just can't take this, I swear I told you the truth
She couldn't scream while I held I close
I swore I'd never let her go

Romeo And Juliet

2009-02-01T08:08:00.001-06:00

A lovestruck Romeo, sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"

Juliet says, "Hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing
"Hey, la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?"

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded in my heart
And I forget, I forget.. the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same
And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah
Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know
I used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, "I love you like the stars above, I love you till I die"
And there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, and the bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a Rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Its An Accurate Reflection

2008-12-31T14:15:00.002-06:00

I remember where I was this time last year. Its actually recorded here too, one of the reasons I'm writing here again, for a record.
Me/Stoned/Alone
That was where I was this time last year and that is pretty much how the year played out to be perfectly honest. That's how it still is right now. The more things change.....you know how that goes. Same place, same feeling, same deal. I'm pulling out of things I previously felt were necessary, because I know now that they are not. I will not make a relationship or person priority when they are not willing to do the same. I have learned alot and I have hurt alot and now I just want to let go.
It is after all just Me/Stoned/Alone.

Because Women Are Stubborn

2008-12-31T00:08:00.003-06:00

You can not change a man.
You can not change a man, wanna know why?
Because they are in their simpliest form.
Its like trying to bend a rock.

There Will Be No Last Chance To Promise To Never Mess It Up Again

2008-12-22T02:02:00.002-06:00

I Need To Hear Some Sounds That Recognize The Pain In Me

2008-12-22T00:41:00.003-06:00

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.
It can't change, can't change, can't change.
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
I have only been down it alone.

Thugs and badmen
Punks and lifers

Rest your weary heads, all is well

You won't be torn up tonight
You won't be strung out, cold, shaking to your bones
Wishing you were anywhere else but right here
So dream on

Thieves and muggers
Tricks and hustlers
Cheats and traitors
Scum and low-lives

Rest you weary heard, all is well

You won't be sad or broken tonight
You won't be back-stabbed, double cross, face down
Teeth knocked out, lying in a gutter somewhere
So dream on

Freaks and junkies
Fakes and phonies
Drunks and cowards
Manic preachers

Rest your weary heads, all is well

You won't be pushed or messed with tonight
You won't be lied to, ruffed up tonight
You won't be insane, paranoid, obsessed
Aimlessly wandering through the dark night
So dream on

No You Never Were

2008-12-18T00:20:00.001-06:00

This song is so pretty it hurts :)

A Toast, To One More Year

2008-12-04T23:51:00.003-06:00

My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight
I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget,
but I can't.

For Reasons Unknown

2008-12-04T00:35:00.002-06:00

I know I have heard this before...
I guess we have all been through it where we try too much , losing yourself.
But remember, I had to lose myself to love you better.
I didn't know this is where I would be at this time, but we never can, that's supposed to be the great mystery of life right? Not ever knowing what may come next. I don't know what I am in store for but I am ready for whatever.

All I Ever Wanted Was A Real Home, A Place To Belong

2008-11-17T12:29:00.004-06:00

I'm on a quest
To find that saving grace
And to find my place in all this craziness.

On Your Marks , Get Ready , Go

2008-11-08T18:14:00.003-06:00

I have never in my life felt this way.

Never have I felt as broken, betrayed, and lost as I do now.
Never have I regretted love the way I do now.
Never have I felt so completely alone and foolish to have believed it would turn out otherwise.
Never will I do this again.

A note to myself,
I am so sorry that it had to turn out this way after all you did to try and keep order. But darling there was nothing you could do anymore, You have done far too much already its time to quit. You won't feel broken forever. Just keep on carrying on.

Sometimes I Just Don't Know When Enough Is Enough

2008-10-30T17:44:00.002-06:00

This has been a record month as far as me being consistent with updating but that's mostly because I don't really have anywhere else I can go. I can't really talk to anyone or say anything that seems to make sense. I am so utterly lost and have felt like this for too long that I am beyond overwhelmed. I just want to know everything will work out and be alright, because right now I'm not so sure.
Turn your head and baby just spit me out.

An Open Letter To Myself

2008-10-26T08:07:00.003-06:00

You are just setting yourself up for more, please find the strengh to walk away because I don't think you have the strengh to stay. Please be smart.

I Don't Know Where He Went

2008-10-25T11:02:00.003-06:00

I am on a roll with the posts this month!

Mostly I have just been stressed with school and work and life and everything in between

I Had To Lose Myself

2008-10-24T11:17:00.004-06:00

Oh baby please just be sure, because right now I know you are not. And I feel sick to my stomach about it.

I used to do it for the love a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love
I used to love without fear a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love

Then somebody came around and tried to hurt me
Tried to make me feel like I was unworthy
Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty
Truth was they never did deserve me No!

I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could love you better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could love you better
Had to lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is…

Couldn’t tell me I was loved when I needed it
When, all I ever wanted was love.
Should a told me just me because I’m worth receiving it
But all I ever wanted was love
There’s is something awkward about the selflessness it takes to
Give love and the good that it makes you
True love can never really forsake you
it took a little while just for me to see!

I had a paralyzing fear of facing failure
And I couldn’t love you perfectly with fear in my head
So I peerlessly had to face the danger
So I could come back and love you whole instead
All of your soul I said
So I could make it better

And so it goes that I never meant to hurt you
Couldn’t stay but I never meant to desert you
Whole lot a things I just had to work thru
Time to heal and restore myself worth too
Confrontation of my fears and anxiety
Cried a whole lot years I suffered quietly
And though it may have taken years I can finally
Tell you that you were always on my mind!

Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the misuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live
Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the abuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live

Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other When Everything Else Is Gone

2008-10-22T04:19:00.004-06:00

I have no clue where to go from here.
I just need some form of communication and something tangable.
And a plan.
Or at least some sort of direction that I can't seem to find anywhere.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do or there was some formula I could put all the variables into and it would size it all up for me and tell me what the most logical thing to do is.
Its just love and logic never seem to work together for me. I am unable to place anything above or before love and I can't always let that be the case it is far too consuming on my heart and soul. What if my entire capacity to love finially breaks and I am left jaded, alone and unable to ever love again? I don't think I could ever love anyone again the way I do you, but the same old feeling and question...Do you love me like that?

Why am I lonely
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for
That just isn't there
Why am I angry
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we never really had

Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me

Who am I kidding It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly

I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why

Its Time To Say I Told You So Love, Lace Up Your Sneakers

2008-10-20T20:03:00.003-06:00

This is like what I say to my younger siblings when they tell me things that I don't need them to tell me;
"It's not new to me."
And this isn't either, I wish I could say it was, I wish I could lie to myself and make me believe it was, but the truth is, it's not.
It was that moment when you were gone for a while and I don't know what happens and I guess you don't either, but you wanted out by the time you got back. But I loved you far too much, still do and always will, to let you go. I think I made you feel like you had to stay and I am wondering now if maybe that was the moment it all changed. I should have let you go, this isn't what you want. And I should have figured it out last winter when I saw something I wasn't meant to see, I should have known then since I didn't get it the first time, that you were not happy and satisfied with me.
You are my everything, I feel like without you I would be all alone and there would be no one in the world I could depend on to take care of or look out for or spend my time with. I had such hopes for our future together and was so excited to see and be a part of all the wonderfull things I know you are going to do, and me too! To me an ideal life is You and Me , put me anywhere in any place under any circumstances and as long as I've got you nothing else matters. I can't imagine my life without you, It hurts far too much. I'm always back at the same spot. Its the cycle that continues until something is strong enough to disturb it.
Its just I can't stand the thought of letting go of the one that was meant for me.

And well, you have always known haven't you baby?

When To Walk Away
Know this now so you can't complain about it when it happens.
Because it will.
You should have.

Baby, I'll tell you one more time.
In case you didn't get it the first time around.
Clearly, you didn't get it the first time around.
Walk Away.

No You Don't Mean Shit To Me

2008-10-19T11:27:00.002-06:00

I'm really trying, but I think I have always been really trying.
From the beginning of the story I am starting to see maybe I pushed too much, wanted this too badly, I don't know if you ever wanted the same I just hoped you did and did everything in my power to make things what they are or at least what they used to be.
Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Love alone is never enough. I feel much more than just a romantic or familial love, this is what I have always wanted, can you say the same? When someone asks about me by name you can easily say you don't see me anymore, so what else can I feel when your off wandering about the way you do. That same old feeling of never being enough for you, what is it about me you feel is not worth it?
Maybe I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough or good enough for your friends to know, but if I'm not then what are you doing?
What am I doing?

And Another One Bites The Dust

2008-10-15T22:29:00.002-06:00

I could feel it slipping out of my hands and before it even hit the ground and shattered, I felt it inside.
Like the old familiar face you need to see when your feeling homesick and nothing else, no one else , no matter how similar, could ever replace.
Its a familiar face I will never know again, but will always be glad I had. It was always there when I needed it, my right hand.
Well on the other side of things, its a fresh start and a chance to find something else that will soon enough be familiar.

I Wanted To Die, He Wanted To Live. I'm The One Still Breathing

2008-07-16T10:49:00.005-06:00

Things around here went a little crazy and all I need now is out.
I'm heading out of the city tonight, leaving it all to unfold without me here. I will face the wrath when I return, story of my life.
I hope this all works out okay I really don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't.
I think its a tragedy that some people beg for death to no avail, and sometimes the ones who love life and make every moment count have their lives unexpectedly taken from them.
Fingers crossed , Eyes closed , I'm taking the leap.

I Know I've Got The Same Disease I Guess I Got That From Him

2008-06-23T23:10:00.002-06:00

Daddy issues,
The little girls with daddy issues are the easiest of targets, and the easiest to lead astray.
I know I am one, I went through this all and dealt with it until I finally found a place to be.
I know I am watching my younger cousin go through all the motions I wish I could prevent her from, but I know I can't and experience is the best teacher I suppose.
But it does not make it any easier.
Nothing ever will.

I Wonder Where The Socks Go When They Get Lost In The Wash

2008-05-02T14:14:00.003-06:00

I'm taking on the daunting task of cleaning my room today.
My room is not just your typical 20-something female mess, not at all.
The last time I slept in that room was well over 2 months ago, I re-located to the guest room upstairs.

An addict lived there.
My life at that point had become totally unmanageable. And when I look in my room now I can see it all too clear. My room had no space to stand in what-so-ever, clothes , shoes , food , garbage , so much fucking garbage.
Just what I had become during all those months down there. Fucking garbage.
It makes me so sad to look at my room and know I could live there , know I could allow it to get to that point , know I had totally lost control.
I don't want to go through it cause I'm sacred what I'd find, and not to mention its a basement room with the furnace system beside it so I see the scariest bugs, and I can not handle bugs.
I also can't imagine having to live and sleep in it again, it makes me feel really nervous.
Some one help me.

And I Love You To The Bones

2008-04-25T23:23:00.001-06:00

No one understands.

My Lost Companion

2008-04-14T23:12:00.002-06:00

I have felt for a while now that my life is totally unmanageable. I am so overwhelmed and I have no idea where to go from here and who I can turn to.
My life has slipped out of my hands and I am now drowning.
But it is not like it really matters to anyone anyways.
If this all just ended tonight...or any other night.. it would not have much of an effect on anyone, I am totally disposable to everyone around me.
Totally disposable and easily replaceable.

Easy , Lucky , Free.

2008-04-01T21:33:00.003-06:00

I was getting better at updating this thing and then, as per the usual, things begin the gradual decline. I have some things sorted out that I was a bit worried about so that's a nice breath of relief. So I'm going to try and use this more often because it really is a good tool to use to get things out. I read on someone else's blog its kind of there alternative to therapy and I think it could be just that for me too. This is usually where i come to get things out anyways, its nice.

And as for some things, well, they never change.

Think For Yourself

2008-02-17T13:02:00.002-06:00

I am just plain sad.
I am just a coward.
I am just lonely, mostly.

Intervention

2008-01-14T22:56:00.000-06:00

When I was very young, when my parents were still married( although it ended very terribly and quickly ), they owned 2 video stores.
My dad took care of one, while my mom had the other.
When you run your own business like that and it was open 7 days a week its time consuming. So I never did see much of either parent during those years and spent most of my time with my grandparents. My grandmother is the person i would spend my days with, who would do my hair, bathe me and i shared a room with her. And in that house my grandfather was the person who did the grocery shopping and I loved going with him. I mean loved it.

Its crazy how things / people play out and change isn't it?

A little while ago I pulled into the grocery store on my way home from school and parked my car. I went through my jacket to find my debit card and got my purse. In the mean time a car had pulled up into the stall next to me and who gets out of it other than my grandfather. I loved going to the grocery store with him and isn't it ironic that i run into him there? I waited till he walked a decent ways away from me and then go out of my car got my groceries and went home.
I didn't talk to him or acknowledge him. And neither did he.

For the past little while a family/childhood friend whom I affectionately refer to as my younger sibling informed me that my grandmother wanted to talk to me very badly. I naturally figured she was probably very sick and thinking this may be the end of her life and that's why she was asking so i asked my sibling about it and he said he would find out why for me. He told me later that she said she simply wanted to talk to me. I know what that means, that means shes going to eventually come out with her " don't you love me/ come visit me" guilt trip and that is something I want no more of. So i never got in contact, I don't want to. I got a call from her on my cell on my birthday, i never gave any of them that number, i recognized the number and was sleeping so i never picked up, i wouldn't have anyways. But they called a few other times from different numbers i think and eventually i ended up answering one. And I made it very quick let her say happy birthday to me, she asked what i was doing and i said school and work and then *duh* she says come visit me and i said ill see. Then i excused myself from the conversation and hung up.
I had finally distanced myself from everything that happened all those years ago, how dare she ruin that.

Not To Be Trusted

2008-01-05T16:49:00.000-06:00

I made a mistake...I have said it too many times.
You should turn around and walk away, run rather, before you change your mind and realize whats been lost. But darling its been lost for so long now, does it really matter at this point?
I gave you all you wanted with generosity. You took all I had, it was free.
Get it together and get it all sorted out. Its going to break you down if you allow it. The process has already begun.
Sometimes you just cant see what everyone else keeps telling you is right.

I Made A Mistake

2008-01-01T02:56:00.000-06:00

I never really much cared for New Years. I don't really get the hype.
I'm starting this one the same way I have many other things.
Just me stoned in my room.

I Still Can't Believe It Has Come To This

2007-12-18T11:38:00.000-06:00

I just need to write. I just need to keep myself together. Anything to keep myself together.
I've had Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill album on repeat for the last while. Someone may know what that means, or what that feels like. Yeah, still one of my favorite albums. It sums things up perfectly. She always hits it.
I cried last night.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I need to keep myself together. I need to get it together.
I miss the kids around the house, its really not the same without them. They were the best escape from everything they were so fresh and not to mention funny! And I am really bummed about not being able to watch them grow up because they are both such big personalities that I just know they were going to be great. Maybe when they are old enough to decide for themselves they will come back, who knows?
Just Keep it together.
You took all that you could, it was free.

Im Best In Your Backseat Baby

2007-12-13T21:58:00.001-06:00

I am having a hard time trusting things. But I hate worrying about things that, ultimately, I have no control over. Its a waste right?
So I need to just step back and see what happens.
When things blow up and all the dust clears, things are just that, clear.

That Creeping Feeling

2007-11-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

Its back.
I can feel it in my bones and underneath my skin waiting to tear out. That unmistakable hate.
I remember feeling like this before , and I remember thinking it will never go away. I think it did for a while. But its back now and I think this is how I'm destined to live, in waves somewhere between indifferent and wanting to die. I won't be that missed, and it will only be temporary for most people. I'm sure a mother will always feel the loss of a child, but that's it really because everyone else moves on with their lives and other people will fill in the gap you left easily. It would be better to stop now. Much easier and everyone else's lives would be so much better.
How come I feel like I can never figure any of this shit out?

" I count you among the most fortunate of persons to have felt so strongly for another human being, however unhappy the outcome. Is this not the point of our existence? "

Tables Will Turn

2007-10-20T18:01:00.000-06:00

Baby, I'll tell you one more time. In case you didn't get it the first time around.
Clearly, you didn't get it the first time around.
Walk Away.
He doesn't think you are worth it. So why are you placing so much worth in him?
If he doesn't know that you deserve better, you should show him you do.
Why don't you think you deserve someone who loves you as much as you do them?
Maybe you don't.

When To Walk Away

2007-10-17T19:44:00.000-06:00

Know this now so you can't complain about it when it happens.
Because it will.
You should have.

"Let me show you what I’m made of
Good intentions are not enough
To get me though today and this life.
You’re in the basement watching the tv,
I’m on the second floor watching the ceiling.
We sleep underneath the same big sky at night.
I dream the same dream we can fly
You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life.
Let me tell you who you really are
You’re my comfort
You’re not a superstar
I can reach up and bring you back down to the ground
And give you everything you dream about
You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life."

The Things We Willingly Subject Ourselves To For The Ones We Love

2007-09-26T22:47:00.000-06:00

Its about sacrifice, and betrayal.
And lies and lust.

Some Things Will Always Remain

2007-09-15T20:18:00.000-06:00

As an only child growing up with a single mom I was always really lonely, In a way I guess I still am. At that time money was very tight and so my mom ended up working most of the time and going to school as well to provide for us.It was this way for so long and I became really accustomed to being alone. But like most single children I kind of always hoped for a little sister, someone to love me, spend time with me , and do/share everything with.
During my younger childhood I would visit my then re-married father every two weeks or so , those visits stopped soon after. He had a son. After about two years he had a girl.
I adored this little creature. So cute! Finally a little sister! I loved her so much in just a moment.
I remember waking up early in the mornings, going into the room and picking up my still-sleeping baby sister and taking her downstairs to where I would watch the Saturday morning cartoons. And I would watch my cartoons and pass the morning while my darling sister would still be blissfully asleep in my lap. I did this every weekend I was there. I just liked the feeling of her in my lap, so peaceful and sweet. But then things fell apart as they are inclined to do, and I never really went back there and I never really saw her again. Not the way I would have liked it. At all. And then my baby sister soon after got a little sister of her very own.

There are so many people and things that happen in life that I wish would have been different.

Its In The Stars

2007-09-15T09:43:00.001-06:00

My recent, temporary , simple existence is about to change.
I don't know how I am supposed to handle this all. I'm not the only deciding factor so that complicates things and I'm not really even that sure what it is that I want. This is one of those things that I know will play out completely differently than I could have imagined, its always like that. Sometimes its all too much to hold and I can feel my knees buckling under the pressure. But I also know that this is the one thing in life that I want really bad. Wait and see that's all I can do for now.
How come when things all finally come together they being to fall apart every time?

T Minus 7 Days

2007-09-11T08:47:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do. I am torn.
I also don't know what to expect. This makes me really nervous.
All I can do is wait and see.
Then close my eyes and brace myself for impact.

This Is Post #100

2007-09-05T21:13:00.000-06:00

100 posts!
I blog to get everything in my head out in front of me. Its been pretty cool and I do enjoy doing it. So here's to the next 100 posts!

Anyways, here I am.
Schools been going for about a week and a half now and I'm kind of having a hard time adjusting to it. I just need to learn how to manage my time and motivate myself to get things done. It'll be smooth sailing once I get the hang of it all.
I've been listening to good music and feeling really contemplative lately. I haven't really had anything too insightful but I do have a much better mind frame. I know that things aren't okay the way they are, but this time I know what I need to make them a bit better. I just don't know if I will get that. But I also know that if I can't have that, if I for some reason or another don't deserve it, then this all is for what? I don't know. But I know this is not something I would give up easily, and I hope my feelings are reciprocated.
I hope in the end the choice is right.

This Fork In The Road

2007-09-05T18:27:00.000-06:00

I had true love
I made it die.
I pushed her away
She said "please stay."
But I'll burn every bridge that I cross,
To find some beautiful place to get lost.
Well I don't know where I'll go now,
And I don't really care who follows me there.
But I'll burn every bridge that I cross,
To find some beautiful place to get lost.
-Elliott Smith "Let's Get Lost"

To My Love

2007-08-23T20:51:00.000-06:00

Dear Love,

From the moment I first kissed you, just two kids sitting side by side my hand in yours, I knew I never wanted to be anywhere else with anyone else. And I knew that then, through all the bullshit and drama in high school, you were the one for me.

But I don't know if you've ever been as sure about this as I.

All I've ever really wanted was for us to be happy together and I really hope we can be.

Whatever it is that's pulling you away from me, I hope you can get over and get past it. I don't really understand whats going on with you. I've tried but I just don't get it.

I love you more than I could have ever imagined. I never really believed that much in love and in relationships, growing up I watched 2 marriages fall apart and that left me jaded to say the least.

But then I met you. You made me want those things, love and a solid relationship. Someone to count on no matter what, someone to make you feel completely loved.

After all the time we have spent together if those things are still something you don't want, or don't think your ready for then maybe this isn't what I thought it was. I thought we could be happy and in love for all the days of our lives but I know everyone is different and what I want may not always be the same as what you want.

I just want you to know that I love you, whole- heartily, mind. body and soul. I wanted a life with you. I'd have given everything for it, for you, for us. If you can't see that then you are really missing out.

In the end, I hope you find everything that you are looking for and more. I hope in life you will always be happy. I wish you nothing but the best.

I Love You.

2007-08-12T21:56:00.000-06:00

I was built to survive. My body, frail as it may appear to be, was definitely built to sustain. I have learned this. I am a survivor.
I'm not very certain about the direction my life is taking but I do know that with a brave face I will be okay. No matter what happens I will be fine. I don't need anyone. Its just me. and you know what? that's completely OK. I'm no longer afraid of the unknown I am no longer afraid to go on alone . I think I will be OK. Not right away, but soon enough.
I was built to survive. Remember this.

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

2007-07-22T00:21:00.001-06:00

There is still a lot of growing up to do.
Understandably so.
But now I know where I'm going. And that may not seem like a lot but to me its going to make a huge difference. I am as ready as I will ever be.
I was born ready.

What Do You Say When There Is Nothing Nice To Say?

2007-07-19T00:25:00.001-06:00

Say you didn't much like someone and for some reason or another you had to speak at their funeral, what would you say?
Just a thought.
Other than that things keep on moving ahead and time waits for no one. So you'd better get a move on.
But right now I'm kinda stuck.

I've Learned That Everything In Life Comes At A Cost

2007-07-10T23:48:00.000-06:00

I got a phone call last week that put the next 2 years of my life right back on course. I'm relieved and quite frankly I fucking deserve this. So there is something to look forward to and to be happy about. And also something real, something concrete to strive for. And I'm going to be the best.
I am thankful for this.
I know something that's missing in my life and I have started taking steps towards it. If I can get to a few of those I know things will be different and if they aren't well, then I'm hoping I find something meaningful in the quest.
Be careful what you wish for.
Things are changing, I can't really tell where its all heading. I know things will be okay no matter what so that makes me feel a lot better.
I used to be so afraid of change.

And at the end of the day when all is said and done, I'm very thankful.

A Street Car Named Desire

2007-07-05T01:04:00.001-06:00

Did you ever read that play?
" A Street Car Named Desire "
Its about a lady named Stella and her abusive husband Stanley. And Stella's sister Blanche comes to visit/stay with them and tensions rise when she flirts with Stanley. In that play there is this quote that I must say, even in grade 12 English stuck out to me, I never forgot it.
“there are things that happen between a man and a woman in the dark—that sort of make everything else seem—unimportant,”

I'm going to get things together.
And from the bottom there is no way to go but up.
And I'm still sleeping on the couch. But I'm starting to like it.

My Hand Is Three Times Its Regular Size, And It Never Felt So Good

2007-06-28T23:56:00.000-06:00

Today I've had enough. I have come across the last spider...I can't do it anymore. For the past month I have been seeing, on a daily basis almost, giant spiders in my room..I'm not talking ones the size of a nickel..I'm talking BIG. And on an almost regular basis I wake up with spider bites on me..my legs, my arm..where ever really.
But when I see them its usually around on the floor somewhere.
Today I'm sitting in my bed I turn towards the pillow to my left and BAM huge spider sitting on my pillow. I ran for the vacuum cleaner, made a ton of noise that woke my younger cousins up who ended up coming down to my room to watch the action. I tried to get it with the vacuum..but it got away and I caught up to it and I'm pretty sure I got it. but in the process the vacuum sucked up my favorite headscarf that I wear all the time.
So Ive had enough.
I'm sleeping on the couch.

Way Back When They Used To Call Me George

2007-06-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

In the sixth grade, well honestly my whole life would probably be more accurate, I was considered a distraction to other students. So to get down to it, I talked too much. I was friends with and would talk to anyone and everyone so yeah after years of it the teachers had had enough.
The desk arrangement in that class was simple rows so they moved my desk to the back and to the far left of the room, slightly removed from the rows.
No big deal, I just found I had to talk slightly louder to the person next to me.
So my desk was removed even farther left and a little bit up.
I somehow managed to be a distraction.
Then out came the tri-fold. Those tall cardboard tri-folds. It went around my desk and the opening was behind me a little past my seat. There was a little slit in the shape of a semi-circle on the front that I could just pop out when the teacher was instructing and put back up when she was done. It was three times taller than I was.
I sat in a box on the far left of the class.
Now I've got to stress that I wasn't really a bad kid. I was always nice and pleasant an did well in class. It was just that I talked to much
After a few months in the box my teacher took me aside during class one day and said that I've been much better and if I would like I could now move my desk back in the row and get rid of the box. I thought about it but decided that I liked the box and I ended up sitting there until the end of the year. It was just that I loved to just sit there and I could day dream or sleep or color and no one would really know and I liked being alone. Plus I could always tell when someone was about to peak around my box so I'd have a backup in case.
But having a substitute teacher was always the best because they just didn't get it. I'm sure it must have been odd to walk in and find a large box in the room where one child in particular sits.
After that year ended we moved to a new house where I got my own room. And since then my room has been my box.

Come And Crawl Into My Heart, Its Empty In There

2007-06-14T10:58:00.000-06:00

On really nice summer nights and even on the not- so- nice nights I wish I knew someone who would want to walk somewhere where we can lay on our backs...stare at the sky and talk and dream.
But I wouldn't want to talk about just anything...I would want to talk about life and spirituality and love and pain. And I would explain how I feel and they would tell me their feelings but they would be so much different than mine...and trying to understand them always brings clarity upon your own situations.
I used to have moments like that.
Now all those people are gone and I'm here still wanting that same feeling.
It was that one summer with all the early mornings when it seemed like no one was awake yet. And we would eventually find our way to the park and just enjoy it...enjoy the sun and the birds and the fresh air and the silence.
On a bench with my face turned skywards and you sitting right beside me, you'd talk and I would listen and share and I swear I learned more about you in those moments than I could have in a lifetime.
But life always changes and never remains still. And I don't know where you are and I'm sure those moments were just another day to you but for a while there I was really content.

Its Time To Push The Limits

2007-06-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

Luck, if you believe in such a thing, seems so strange to me.
I don't understand how some people get all the "luck" and some get left with none. And is this luck randomly handed out by the cosmos to whomever or is it selected on the basis of who needs what and when.
Or is it in one way or another gods doing? Is luck gods way of showing you he's helping your poor ass, or rewarding you for something? I used to be realy hard on luck, it never came my way the first 2/3 of my life was hard, too much to hold on such small shoulders, but I never really knew or questioned why. So maybe this is his way of making it up to you for all the shitty stuff from before?
Either way, I'll take what I can get and be thankful.

Sitting At The Bottom And Things Are Looking Up

2007-06-03T16:46:00.000-06:00

You will never know happiness to its full extent until you have hit rock bottom.
From the bottom you can see it all more clearly...take a step back and take in the view, the fall. When there is no where left to go but up, you will climb with more determination then you could ever imagine. For you will then know what the edge of hell is like , and you will know that that is a place you never wish to return.

The same object can look so different from the top then it does from the bottom.
Life and any situation in it always reminds me of this. We as people are all standing at different places some of us are sitting on the top while others are still making their way up and there's the forgotten who are still at the bottom, and if a handful of those people were to come upon the same object/situation they would all view it and react to it in accordance to where they stand and we never can really understand people because were just not at the same place.
I don't want to be in this place anymore.

I Haven't Known Where To Go For A While Now

2007-05-29T13:10:00.000-06:00

I don't know where the past few years have gone.
I don't feel like I have done anything significant since finishing high school.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
And I feel like the longer i wait the more I'm going to lose until i realize I've lived my whole life doing nothing, and anything and everything i ever wanted to accomplish as a kid being left un-fulfilled. Its like no one can understand how i feel even when i try to explain it the best i can, but i know that is no ones fault, its something to do with the human condition. I just wish someone else could help me, but i know you can only help yourself. That's the part I'm having difficulty with, my-fucking-self.
Standing on the brink, my toes inching over the edge.

Did This All Turn Out According To Plan?

2007-04-22T21:24:00.000-06:00

I can feel it.
I'm standing on the edge of something..something big. And I don't know if its going to be something good or bad, I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
I feel like I'm just waiting around for the apocalypse.

These Are Fight Words

2007-04-13T17:54:00.000-06:00

Things better start fucking happining.

The End Of Days

2007-04-03T23:51:00.000-06:00

Its just now starting to hit me..how long I've been standing still for. I need to get things in order and get them in motion now before it gets too late. Alot is depending on this.
So figure it out girl cause you don't have all the time in the world and this routine is starting to get real old. It is only becoming increasingly frustrating for yourself and every one around you so it would be best to get it all fixed up now while you still can.
GO!

Get Off Your Ass And Do Something

2007-04-02T23:53:00.000-06:00

Every now and then I'm glad I've got that daily quote there in my sidebar. Here's today's:

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."
-Tony Robbins

Not much as been going on..well not much that I care to write about right now because I'm not really understanding it. So until I can understand it I can't really put it into words but hey, as soon as I know it'll be coming out here. This is where I like to come to just kinda let it all out. I like it. Its like my own little place in this big world.

Just For Fun

2007-03-24T12:29:00.001-06:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I Miss My Friend

2007-03-17T20:39:00.000-06:00

Remember when we graduated from elementary school?
I remember Jr. high french class watching " The Goonies" and only really caring about the " eh you guys! " part which totally made us crack up because, dude, it was in another language and sounded funny.
I also remember that same teacher got to see your underpants as did the rest of the class when i pulled em down by accident ( i swear. ) and i got a 2 day "vacation" from school for it!
I remember high school with you and i together we figured we were fine anywhere. We went through heart breaks, family/friend feuds, drugs, all the stuff that comes with growing up
And we had fun and we hated it and its now all said and done. And I'm stuck here sitting around wishing you never left cause right now all i need is a good fucking friend..one who knows me inside and out. There is no one here.
But I'll never forget all those years of dirty lockers, hide and go seek around the block with all the kids around our street, all the secrets and the lies, the tears, and most of all the laughs.

I'm Always Doubtfull

2007-03-07T17:37:00.000-06:00

I'll be posting soon..this is to remind me.

Till then..

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Today It Broke

2007-02-12T18:42:00.000-06:00

I don't really recall when we first came to be, it must have been sometime early spring last year..Or something.
Either way...I grew a lot and changed more than I thought I would. It made me question things about life and everything that comes along with it...And now I've got this restlessness to live burning inside me.
You see, it's made me feel more alive. And I can't say that about very many things.
So,
Good-bye my companion, thank you for holding my hand through the best of times and the worst of times.
I just wish we could have had one last dance.

This Is Now Becoming Substance Abuse

2007-01-31T12:09:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel and why and you know what? I still have no answers!
But I'm starting to feel really old, at the ripe age of 20.
I feel almost as though I'm still sitting around waiting for life to start, and the train has passed years ago but I just didn't notice, so I'm waiting patiently for the next one with no way of knowing when or if that train is coming round again. I've always felt like an old soul from as long as I can remember and from as long as I can remember I've never really fit in anywhere I've never really fit in with friends or at school or anywhere...There is no real place I feel like I belong. I think that is what really bugs me the most because I would tell myself I don't belong here, yes, but one day I'll find that place, one day soon. And now after so many years I still haven't found something and that makes me think I never will. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here I just feel really lost/hopeless and its wearing me down.
I'm tired of searching.

In The Past 2 Weeks I've Kept My Room Cleaner Than Usual

2007-01-26T23:20:00.000-06:00

Well ..Well.. Well,

I just haven't been writing lately. And its not because I don't want to, its just because for some reason I can't get myself to do it. There were a few instances when I'd be driving or something and I'd think to myself " Today I'm going to write and I could talk about .." And I would think of a few things to say and then just never write them. I would like to write more often so lets see how it goes. This one is going to be quick though!

Anyways, Things had been going pretty well since about the summer it died down in December and now I'm feeling really restless. I fell confined or something, I don't really know to be honest. All I know is I'm just not happy
...And quite frankly I'm not happy about that!
But since nothing ever changes, and nothing ever stays the same I fell like I'm right back where I started.
And where is that, my dear?

Somewhere Along The Way

2006-12-17T22:53:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated this for months now and I have no real reason for that really. So many times I would think of something I wanted to write about..And even write the first few lines in my head but all those thoughts have now been lost they never made the transition from being a thought to words.
With that being said, what better a topic than change?
Change is inevitable and I know that just as well as the next person but, why is it always so consistent? My birthday is right around the corner so that made me think about this past year, and how so much has changed since then. And let me tell you; some of those changes..I would never have thought would occur. I guess that's what bugs me about this past year it just really threw me off, but I guess we can only grow and learn from new experiences right? I'll get into a bit of detail of the changes on another night..Because I'm going to cut this short tonight.
I've still got some consistency!

One Day I Hope Someone Will Look Into My Eyes And Say Your My Very Special One

2006-06-07T12:11:00.000-06:00

I don't even really know why I'm posting because right now I'm kind of blank.
An empty slate.
Maybe because I haven't posted anything in a month that its just time to do so? I don't know. I know there are things I want to talk about, things I need to just vent about but I don't know how to put those feelings into words.
Here's my best shot.
How could I not have known? For years I was totally ignorant to what he was really thinking. There I was thinking we have got it pretty good, that we both wanted to be here.
He doesn't want to be here.
How do you miss something like that? If it was never said out loud I would have lived the rest of my life thinking this is what we both wanted not just what I want.
Where do I go from here?
I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to think and I don't know what's real anymore. If he can pretend to want to be in a relationship I'm sure he can probabally fake a lot of things and I wouldn't know.
Maybe all of it?
So now I'm in quite a position. I've got someone whom I love very dearly and who also claims to love me but just doesn't want to be in a relationship. What am I supposed to make of that after years of being together? Half of me wants to just let go because why would you carry on when you know the other person doesn't want to be here, that would just be living a lie. The other half of me is saying that if I let him go he's not going to come back and well, I love him so that doesn't work too well with me but, I'm afraid if I hold on that years later he will resent me because he feels as though I've taken away from his youth.
He doesn't want this.

What Happened To Daddy's Little Princess?

2006-05-07T20:27:00.000-06:00

We walk past one another as though we are strangers.
But you and I know that we are so much more than that.
No we're not.
We Are strangers, we are not father and daughter. We are strangers, people who know nothing about one another.
It wasn't always this way.
He used to call me daddy's little princess.
More like daddy's trash.

Level 14 - Tick Tock Clock

2006-04-17T15:06:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here at my desk.
trying to find something to do because I'm currently in the time period that is between school and work, the time where there's not enough of it to do something productive and too much of it to just piss it away doing nothing.
Killing time.
How often do we do that? Doing something just to pass the time.
Complain we don't have enough time.
How often do we do that? When we are always running around.
How often do we do both of those?
doesn't it all seem so trivial then? If time is so precious then why the hell are you trying to "just pass the time" so often?
I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.

Everything's more beautiful because we're doomed. ♥.

2006-03-24T21:26:00.000-06:00

Now I've gone through some really hard times and dealt with some really bad situations but this is unlike anything else.
The difference?
The enemy is within me.
So I gained weight, and I feel absolutely sick about it.
All my hard work to get into double digits and keep going lower and now I'm oh-so-close to being back in the triple digits and that scares me.
I'm not strong enough to do this.
But then he says he's so proud of me for gaining weight. I cant even remember the last time someone told me they were proud of me. So with that out on the table, what's a girl to do?
There is that voice telling me I need to be in control and I need to keep disappearing. But I want to make him happy. So, there's my demon telling me to keeping dying and then my heart telling me I need to live, for him.
And I wish this was all so much easier.

Summer, the moment I knew I was going to fall in love I always wished that summer would never end, that we could be so young, carefree and live out the long summer days forever. I never knew it would be like this, so different than I had imagined. And so much better. You Are My Light, You Are My Endless Summer.

This Will End Here

2006-03-19T00:32:00.000-06:00

I know I've lost weight
"Skinny" (I hear that adjective slip past other's lips in almost reverent envy)
I feel my bones and know I've given more than my share, more than your fucking one-hundred-and-ten-percent that you expect so naturally of others besides (naturally) yourself. I'll give you more than you bargained for (less, rather) I'll let this grow and shrink and shrink until you cannot possibly touch me.
But you never fucking could.

Walk With Me Down Memory Lane

2006-03-03T21:54:00.000-06:00

Today has been a really relaxing day, I've been so at ease lately and I absolutely adore this feeling.
I know it will never last.
I was writing a very, very late birthday card for the significant other and normally it takes me a good while to think about what to write then, write it then, fix it then, finally put it in the card, but not this time. I grabbed a pen and wrote in the card without even thinking just let my hand write whatever it was my heart was saying in a secret language translated by rhythmic beats.
It was heartfelt, sentimental and everything a card should be so that was kind of different I guess.
We have grown and changed so much since we first met in a crowded hallway full of people with lost identities. It seems like yesterday.
It seems like a lifetime ago.
From a time when I was so ignorant, but I was allowed to be. Oh, high school. An era of everyone's life that is remembered for the hurt and the pain, for the friends and the fun, and never the academics.
I have grown older and wiser.
I have grown colder.

Out Of Hiding

2006-02-19T23:23:00.000-06:00

..I have this blank box to fill with anything and everything I desire to write about.
But I haven't the slightest clue as to what to say.
Strange.
It really annoys me that I haven't been able to write, I just don't have the motivation to do so.
Somedays I am just itching to write something, anything , to get my feelings and anger and all that fun stuff out of my system.
I don't think anyone ever reads this blog anyways, so its not so much as to be able to share with someone..But just to get it out there makes me feel a lot less burdened.
I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm not alone in the way I feel, that they too have dealt with similar situations just to make me feel a little less alienated.
If anyone reads this...I really recommend you check out the post secret website..Because honestly I think it is the most amazingly beautiful concept and the simplicity and artistry of it all makes me so glad that someone thought of the idea.
And you know what the best part is? Well my favorite part at least....You will be able to look at so many of those secrets and think
" Hey I feel like that to " or " I do that all the time " or " Damn, I thought I was the only one "
Its really just so great and I admire the people who take that step, send their secret out , unburden themselves and just let it go...Let your inner most thought/fears just leave you as the card falls into the post box.
Its just so simple.
Makes me feel less alone knowing people out there feel and think and do things that I thought were supposed to be kept quiet.
And with that I'm off to bed for a well deserved night of rest because I can sleep in tomorrow and not feel guilty about it because its a long weekend and isn't that what they are for!?

Just Inhale And Then Slowly Exhale

2006-02-09T21:50:00.000-06:00

Days have been long, hectic, long, busy, productive, and did I mention long?
Along with going to school 5 days a week I also work 5 days a week. I don't know how I've been managing but I have so I guess that's a good thing.
3 days of the week I go straight from school to work. The other 2 weekdays I don't work because I'm in classes until 5pm so I cant work. And the weekends..Guess what I do? Work!
now I cant really complain about my job because it really is great, I'm a photographer and the people I work with are just wonderful ladies and it kind of helps that one of them has been a very good friend of mine since we were in the second grade.
The downfall however is that I'm pushing myself pretty hard and functioning is now beginning to require more effort and getting out of bed in the morning is oh-so-hard.
The reason I'm pushing myself and staying busy is because I'm trying,desperately trying, to fill this void this hole inside of me with anything and everything I can find. Because if I'm too busy to think about things then they can not bother me. Maybe I'm just being cowardly, but for now its working and until I burn out I will continue to do this, and when I do burn out I will find a new outlet and I will survive.