That Creeping Feeling

Its back.
I can feel it in my bones and underneath my skin waiting to tear out. That unmistakable hate.
I remember feeling like this before , and I remember thinking it will never go away. I think it did for a while. But its back now and I think this is how I'm destined to live, in waves somewhere between indifferent and wanting to die. I won't be that missed, and it will only be temporary for most people. I'm sure a mother will always feel the loss of a child, but that's it really because everyone else moves on with their lives and other people will fill in the gap you left easily. It would be better to stop now. Much easier and everyone else's lives would be so much better.
How come I feel like I can never figure any of this shit out?

" I count you among the most fortunate of persons to have felt so strongly for another human being, however unhappy the outcome. Is this not the point of our existence? "