Sometimes I Want To Get Better But I Know I'm Not Really Ready Yet

I wonder how many relationships start out of simple desperation.And how many of those people go on to get married and spend a life together? Is that how my parent's started out? They never seemed to really like each other much."Fashionably sensative but too cool to care."That detached emotion, that coldness.It's always that question isn't it? Between apathy and caring.I used to be willing to die for a cause...I suppose I still am. The cause has changed though...But all those abstract principles and ideas are cold comfort some days....I want something more tangible. Something I can touch...Hmm the manifestation of ideals. The physical incarnation of ideals.Perhaps that's all family is...Perhaps that's all just plain love is...It's the physical manifestation of high ideals.In a sense it's sacrifice... But too many people say it's sacrifice. It's not sacrifice if you really want to do it.
No, you do it for a reward.In a sense, you don't even do it for a reward.You just do it cause you gotta...It makes no sense to devote yourself to others. I guess you do it out of obligation? This thing called love?But it's not even an obligation...
It's more like fate... You don't choose to love your family. You just do... It's a feeling you have, not a feeling you control...And it will always be there...
I used to think the phrase "I will always love you" was meant "I will always choose to love you and be faithful to you."But it's not so much a choice... Well in some cases I suppose it's chosen..But in other cases, it feels like fate.
I don't mean that "I will always love you" out of choice...It means that "I will always love you" just because I have to... Just because I feel it. ..And I can't control that...
"I will always love you" not necessarily because I want to, but because it's in my very nature. It's a part of me.. It's not even a choice. People are fated to love us forever. ..Both familial and romantic. It's fated.
In a way, that's an even bigger comfort than the idea that people choose to love us..We have it. ..It is literally impossible to lose.. And there need be no guilt about that love.. People don't feel an obligation to love. They just plain feel that love... Don't feel bad about it. Neither you nor they have any control over it. It's fated.Freedom and determinism. It seems to all come down to that doesn't it?
I choose. ..I am... I have free will.
But I also am strongly influenced by other factors..
Perhaps all this uncertainty is a good thing. It makes life so exciting. It's a mysterious, wonderous world...