Everything's more beautiful because we're doomed. ♥.

Now I've gone through some really hard times and dealt with some really bad situations but this is unlike anything else.
The difference?
The enemy is within me.
So I gained weight, and I feel absolutely sick about it.
All my hard work to get into double digits and keep going lower and now I'm oh-so-close to being back in the triple digits and that scares me.
I'm not strong enough to do this.
But then he says he's so proud of me for gaining weight. I cant even remember the last time someone told me they were proud of me. So with that out on the table, what's a girl to do?
There is that voice telling me I need to be in control and I need to keep disappearing. But I want to make him happy. So, there's my demon telling me to keeping dying and then my heart telling me I need to live, for him.
And I wish this was all so much easier.


Summer, the moment I knew I was going to fall in love I always wished that summer would never end, that we could be so young, carefree and live out the long summer days forever. I never knew it would be like this, so different than I had imagined. And so much better. You Are My Light, You Are My Endless Summer.

This Will End Here

I know I've lost weight
"Skinny" (I hear that adjective slip past other's lips in almost reverent envy)
I feel my bones and know I've given more than my share, more than your fucking one-hundred-and-ten-percent that you expect so naturally of others besides (naturally) yourself. I'll give you more than you bargained for (less, rather) I'll let this grow and shrink and shrink until you cannot possibly touch me.
But you never fucking could.

Walk With Me Down Memory Lane

Today has been a really relaxing day, I've been so at ease lately and I absolutely adore this feeling.
I know it will never last.
I was writing a very, very late birthday card for the significant other and normally it takes me a good while to think about what to write then, write it then, fix it then, finally put it in the card, but not this time. I grabbed a pen and wrote in the card without even thinking just let my hand write whatever it was my heart was saying in a secret language translated by rhythmic beats.
It was heartfelt, sentimental and everything a card should be so that was kind of different I guess.
We have grown and changed so much since we first met in a crowded hallway full of people with lost identities. It seems like yesterday.
It seems like a lifetime ago.
From a time when I was so ignorant, but I was allowed to be. Oh, high school. An era of everyone's life that is remembered for the hurt and the pain, for the friends and the fun, and never the academics.
I have grown older and wiser.
I have grown colder.