Close Your Eyes, Hold Your Breath And Just Go

I leave today.
I can't honestly say that I'm excited, because I'm not.
I feel indifferent. Actually I almost don't want to go.
I'd like to ignore the fact that there is a world outside of my bedroom.
And I hate having to put on a smile and change my attitude when we visit family.
I leave in a few hours...For two weeks and I have three items in my suitcase thus far.
And I still have to clean my room.
Obviously I'm still procrastinating.
So much to do and I just don't want to start, but I suppose I have to.

" There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. "

I always feel that way when I come home after an extended period of time and when I've been away from my usual company. Its usually more of a "not fitting in" feeling..But change none the less.
I hope I remember to pack enough glue to hold me together.
Ah well..
Here we go.
I'm off.

Here We Go Again, And I Don't Know If I'll Make It Out Alive

I think about the person I used to be, and she seems so far away.
She walked fast and was relaxed, I'm always tense.
She stayed up late and got up early, I sleep.
I feel like if she gets any further away, I won't be connected to her at all anymore.

Crashing Down, Burning Out And I Don't Feel Weird About What Happened

" get a little anxious sometimes you'll be gone and I'll be left behind "

I feel lonely and sad..Then in a moment I feel so alive.
Ups and downs.
But the events a few nights ago Have inspired me. As odd as that seems.
I've never felt more alive than I did that night.
I've never been more tuned into myself and my feelings.
The feeling of disassociation was non existent.
I spoke so freely, didn't even think twice about what I was saying..What secrets I was exposing
I didn't care..I just had to get those things out in the air.
I'm glad that night happened and unfolded the way that it did.
Perfection.
Love.
This is it...Here we go.
I want to Live again.

Today I Tired Something And Fell In Love As I Looked At The World Through New Eyes

This Morning...He left...To embark on an adventure with his friends.
I felt that this was going to be a day of..Well I'm not quite sure but I knew good or exciting things would happen today..
He left and I was sad and I miss and will continue to do so until I get back from vacation...But it was like..I knew it was going to be a good day because he was going to see so many new things...And that I guess makes me happy...
When he's happy..Then I am too.
My friend and I had made plans all summer but none of them ever really worked out but today it did and wow was it amazing...The fresh air after the past 2 days of rain..Walking up a hill in open shoes and feeling the wet grass...The crisp breeze...It was so nice...We played on the playground and everything. We played like we were little girls again..And I said so many things to her that I never thought I would say out loud..And she did the same..
We were completely un-inhibited.
I'm glad I have a friend like her..We need one another because we relate so well.
I don't want to impose but I don't think I like her current relationship..He seems far too temperamental.
This whole post was more for me than anyone reading..But I don't think anyone really reads this..
All in All today had a little bit of everything..
It was beautiful..
Now if only I could get it this way more often.
its a beautiful world for you, but not for me

I Always Knew This Would Happen

For a moment, I finally had some direction.
For a moment, I could finally say " Hey you always said I couldn't, but I did so there! "
For a moment, I was blissfully happy.

I did it.
And I thanked god for bringing me out of the rut I was in and I was so ready to work hard and give it all I have.
But its me so it couldn't have worked out all nice and pretty like it should have.
Nope, nothing really seems to work in my favor.
And I didn't even do anything to mess it up.
I just don't get it. And I'm really fucking tired of things always going wrong.

In a moment, it was all taken away.
In a moment, a little piece of me died.

I Would Kill You In Your Sleep If I Knew I Would Not Be Caught

I'm so tired.
Tired of everything.
I'm tired of what my ears hear, what my eyes see, what I can feel, just plain tired.
I don't know how long I can carry on for.
But I don't think I'll be able to for very much longer.
I'm wearing thin. Literally.

We Could Make It Work

I'm heading to a new place.
Destination unknown.
I've been feeling good these past few days.
Even though I almost lost something I really enjoyed..But I didn't, so that alone is something to be happy about.
I've got a book lined up for when the one I'm currently on is done.
There's been a lot of weddings lately.
I love and hate weddings.
Love them because, well, there fun.
Hate them because I get so envious!
I don't even know why.
And hate them because weddings mean lots of food.
Resulting in a tummy ache by mid-day.
Ah well.
The weather is nice out.
And I got lots of laughing to do...