Sometimes I Just Don't Know When Enough Is Enough

This has been a record month as far as me being consistent with updating but that's mostly because I don't really have anywhere else I can go. I can't really talk to anyone or say anything that seems to make sense. I am so utterly lost and have felt like this for too long that I am beyond overwhelmed. I just want to know everything will work out and be alright, because right now I'm not so sure.
Turn your head and baby just spit me out.

An Open Letter To Myself

You are just setting yourself up for more, please find the strengh to walk away because I don't think you have the strengh to stay. Please be smart.

I Don't Know Where He Went

I am on a roll with the posts this month!

Mostly I have just been stressed with school and work and life and everything in between

I Had To Lose Myself

Oh baby please just be sure, because right now I know you are not. And I feel sick to my stomach about it.




I used to do it for the love a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love
I used to love without fear a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love

Then somebody came around and tried to hurt me
Tried to make me feel like I was unworthy
Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty
Truth was they never did deserve me No!

I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could love you better
Had to lose myself, had to lose myself
So I could love you better
Had to lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is…

Couldn’t tell me I was loved when I needed it
When, all I ever wanted was love.
Should a told me just me because I’m worth receiving it
But all I ever wanted was love
There’s is something awkward about the selflessness it takes to
Give love and the good that it makes you
True love can never really forsake you
it took a little while just for me to see!

I had a paralyzing fear of facing failure
And I couldn’t love you perfectly with fear in my head
So I peerlessly had to face the danger
So I could come back and love you whole instead
All of your soul I said
So I could make it better

And so it goes that I never meant to hurt you
Couldn’t stay but I never meant to desert you
Whole lot a things I just had to work thru
Time to heal and restore myself worth too
Confrontation of my fears and anxiety
Cried a whole lot years I suffered quietly
And though it may have taken years I can finally
Tell you that you were always on my mind!

Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the misuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live
Takes strength to absorb all the abuse I did
Great love to absorb all the abuse I did
Hey baby it’s not an excuse I give.
And I’d do it all again because for you I live

Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other When Everything Else Is Gone

I have no clue where to go from here.
I just need some form of communication and something tangable.
And a plan.
Or at least some sort of direction that I can't seem to find anywhere.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do or there was some formula I could put all the variables into and it would size it all up for me and tell me what the most logical thing to do is.
Its just love and logic never seem to work together for me. I am unable to place anything above or before love and I can't always let that be the case it is far too consuming on my heart and soul. What if my entire capacity to love finially breaks and I am left jaded, alone and unable to ever love again? I don't think I could ever love anyone again the way I do you, but the same old feeling and question...Do you love me like that?

Why am I lonely
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for
That just isn't there
Why am I angry
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we never really had

Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me

Who am I kidding It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly

I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why

Its Time To Say I Told You So Love, Lace Up Your Sneakers

This is like what I say to my younger siblings when they tell me things that I don't need them to tell me;
"It's not new to me."
And this isn't either, I wish I could say it was, I wish I could lie to myself and make me believe it was, but the truth is, it's not.
It was that moment when you were gone for a while and I don't know what happens and I guess you don't either, but you wanted out by the time you got back. But I loved you far too much, still do and always will, to let you go. I think I made you feel like you had to stay and I am wondering now if maybe that was the moment it all changed. I should have let you go, this isn't what you want. And I should have figured it out last winter when I saw something I wasn't meant to see, I should have known then since I didn't get it the first time, that you were not happy and satisfied with me.
You are my everything, I feel like without you I would be all alone and there would be no one in the world I could depend on to take care of or look out for or spend my time with. I had such hopes for our future together and was so excited to see and be a part of all the wonderfull things I know you are going to do, and me too! To me an ideal life is You and Me , put me anywhere in any place under any circumstances and as long as I've got you nothing else matters. I can't imagine my life without you, It hurts far too much. I'm always back at the same spot. Its the cycle that continues until something is strong enough to disturb it.
Its just I can't stand the thought of letting go of the one that was meant for me.

And well, you have always known haven't you baby?

When To Walk Away
Know this now so you can't complain about it when it happens.
Because it will.
You should have.

Baby, I'll tell you one more time.
In case you didn't get it the first time around.
Clearly, you didn't get it the first time around.
Walk Away.

No You Don't Mean Shit To Me

I'm really trying, but I think I have always been really trying.
From the beginning of the story I am starting to see maybe I pushed too much, wanted this too badly, I don't know if you ever wanted the same I just hoped you did and did everything in my power to make things what they are or at least what they used to be.
Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Love alone is never enough. I feel much more than just a romantic or familial love, this is what I have always wanted, can you say the same? When someone asks about me by name you can easily say you don't see me anymore, so what else can I feel when your off wandering about the way you do. That same old feeling of never being enough for you, what is it about me you feel is not worth it?
Maybe I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough or good enough for your friends to know, but if I'm not then what are you doing?
What am I doing?

And Another One Bites The Dust

I could feel it slipping out of my hands and before it even hit the ground and shattered, I felt it inside.
Like the old familiar face you need to see when your feeling homesick and nothing else, no one else , no matter how similar, could ever replace.
Its a familiar face I will never know again, but will always be glad I had. It was always there when I needed it, my right hand.
Well on the other side of things, its a fresh start and a chance to find something else that will soon enough be familiar.