I've Wanted To Die Before

Days have been.
busy
ill
thoughtful
tearful
shaky
cold
alone

as far as illness goes it originated from my grandfather and went to my uncle then came my turn I don't like being sick I don't get sick very often but when I do its never good. I'm eating oranges relentlessly trying to stack up on Vitamin C hope it works. But at least I have that sexy tone that comes when you begin to lose your voice.. Today my mom began to cough..So its her turn next I think.

thoughtful. Well that is in regards to the people around me. Some I don't know how to deal with. Some I often just wish I could discard. Or recycle for someone else to have. But I don't REALLY want that....Do I? Its hard to tell them how I feel when I am still unsure of what I feel. I want to understand myself. I what to know what this is that I feel. I just want to know. So I'm finding it hard to deal with people and emotions because mine are all over the place.

before I wanted things to be mended I wanted to find a resolution and have everything go back to normal. Now that's something I don't picture happening. For more than one reason. Time has made this easier to deal with..Time has allowed things to heal and the sense of loss is now gone. A sense of disappointment has taken its place. I've been left for people who don't really care..People who wont actually be there when things get sticky. I have always been someone who would be there when things got real messy. But of course I am no longer needed I have been discarded. Tossed aside for something "better" well if that something "better" is someone who will not be there when you need them...Well then I'm so relieved that I'm not "good enough" because I would never want to be someone like that. I would never want to be in close contact with someone like that. And as of the events of last night..I will have none of it..I had to be the one to deal with your mistakes even when you haven't spoken to me in months..I was the one to help you out. And yet I'm still the bad person in all of this.. Your friends and I use that term very loosely weren't there they would rather you deal with things on your own and cover up for them and I was the one that was there. And what for? I still don't know.i got nothing out of it. Nothing but a renewed sense of rage..I cant honestly say. That I am now indifferent towards mending things..I will never make another effort to fix things. If something is put forth I may or may not accept it. But now I don't care. I don't need you..This is over.