I've Had The Same Pants On For Three Days Now

Ahhh how I love to space out
To take a break and run away from the real world.
I'm going to go blank and allow my hand to write whatever it feels suitable.
My heart is beating faster than normal.
I've got some good music in my ears.
An empty stomach.
A day well done.
But I'm starting to feel lonely.
I could really use some of those friends.
Now there's something I thought I'd never say.
It's so awkward being in the same places as them because when everyone goes over to one place and sits down to talk or whatever I just stay back and act like I'm too occupied with the kids to even notice them.
But I do notice, a lot more than I care to admit.
I'm getting paranoid, and questioning something is.
When people talk to me I feel as thought there's an ulterior motive for them being in front of me talking to me. As though they are trying to see what I will say regarding a situation or a person.
Very conscious I now am regarding the things that come out of my mouth.
And this is me...I fucking hate censorship.
Another thing is how I expel so much of my time and energy into helping out with children, teaching their classes day after day.
Talking about this belief in a god that I'm not even completely sure I believe in.
hypocrisy.
I'm still waiting for that "enlightened" feeling. I think I do these things to make other people happy, to keep her off of my back. Or maybe I just feel like this for the moment.
Time will reveal fascinations.
I could head right into things at full speed or I could slowly stray away.
Lets see if I find the strength to follow my path.

He tells me wait three more years and then he'll put a ring on my finger.
I'm waiting.