Happy Day For You

Its the same.
You need to change.
Stop being who you are and be what we think you should be.
Well I'd really like to know why everyone else gets to decide what I should be.
I'm me.
And all the convincing, lecturing, and fighting in the world can't change that.
Another thing I'd really love to know is what the hell is so wrong with me, why is everyone constantly telling me I need to change.
What's wrong with me?

I Don't Need

Its always the same thing.
Day after fucking day.
Not good enough.
Not smart enough.
Not motivated enough.
Not as good as everyone else.
She says that I need people.
Why the fuck would I need people? What are they good for anyways?
The same thing.
I'm not good enough, never have been, never will be.
So is it really a surprise that I hate myself so much?
Is it really that shocking that I'm trying to die in the slowest way possible?
I'm halfway there.
Fading fast.

I Want What You Have

Love.
The variation of it.
Why is it so different for everyone? The variations make it very difficult to distinguish what is, and what is not, real.
The honeymoon stage.
Why does it have to end? Why do we allow the "real world" to set in?
New Love.
Fresh, exciting, it's the butterflies that drive you insane with anticipation and every moment you come to a new realization that pulls you even closer.
There's familial love.
That's something I can honestly say I've experienced to a very full extent. My family, my ladies, the girls that keep me going when I don't want to. The girls that force feed me, only because they love me enough to do so. The one I would never want to be without. My world would be a very colorless place if they were not a part of it.
Then, why do I feel so worn down?
Why do I continue to feel lifeless?
I've been passively allowing myself to fade away.
And why?

I'm Trying To Disappear

Letting go.
Moving on.
All I ever hear is how hard it is to do those things, but honestly how hard is it?
Not that hard.
Now I know my posts are always conflicting.
Sometimes I'm lonely and want to work things out, and other times I just don't care.
These feelings change with my mood and they fluctuate when I find out new information.
I'm thinking, if I can let go of people who were supposed to be like my sisters, then there's a lot of things and people I can let go of.
And I may just do that.
We'll call it.
Summer Cleaning.

I've Had The Same Pants On For Three Days Now

Ahhh how I love to space out
To take a break and run away from the real world.
I'm going to go blank and allow my hand to write whatever it feels suitable.
My heart is beating faster than normal.
I've got some good music in my ears.
An empty stomach.
A day well done.
But I'm starting to feel lonely.
I could really use some of those friends.
Now there's something I thought I'd never say.
It's so awkward being in the same places as them because when everyone goes over to one place and sits down to talk or whatever I just stay back and act like I'm too occupied with the kids to even notice them.
But I do notice, a lot more than I care to admit.
I'm getting paranoid, and questioning something is.
When people talk to me I feel as thought there's an ulterior motive for them being in front of me talking to me. As though they are trying to see what I will say regarding a situation or a person.
Very conscious I now am regarding the things that come out of my mouth.
And this is me...I fucking hate censorship.
Another thing is how I expel so much of my time and energy into helping out with children, teaching their classes day after day.
Talking about this belief in a god that I'm not even completely sure I believe in.
hypocrisy.
I'm still waiting for that "enlightened" feeling. I think I do these things to make other people happy, to keep her off of my back. Or maybe I just feel like this for the moment.
Time will reveal fascinations.
I could head right into things at full speed or I could slowly stray away.
Lets see if I find the strength to follow my path.

He tells me wait three more years and then he'll put a ring on my finger.
I'm waiting.

Shes Made Me Hate Myself So Much It Scares Me

Today I close my ears to what the world says.
Fuck them.
What they think of me, and what they say about me. Why should I let it get to me? At the end of the day does it really matter what they thought?
No.
When this material world is gone, all objects, words and people disappear with it. When its just me standing infront of God..It wont matter what people said or thought about me but what I've done that will truly decided my fate.
So fuck them.
I've decided, yet again, that what anyone thinks of me does not matter.
But this time is different than all the other times I've said that.
Its different because I've allowed the negative things I hear to effect me far too much. And I wont have any of that anymore.
My mother can say that I'm a failure, that I'm not good enough, that other peoples children are so much better than I am. She can say it over and over again just like she has been all these years and I will simply tune it all out.
I've hurt myself too much, lost too much, those statements I've heard her repeat day in and day out have taught me to fiercely hate who I am.
I can no longer carry on like this.
Tomorrow is a new day and new start.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
This is the end of that beginning and the beginning of a new end.
I'll love myself, I know its going to be one of the hardest things I've done yet because of years of built up hate..But as time progresses I know I can.
No longer will I allow my self worth to rest in someone else's hands.
The Cards are in my hands.

Sometimes I Think This World Is Just A Sick Fucking Joke

I need to progress...
I need to run...
I want out of this skin...
I want you to be happy...
I want to know how to do that...
It seems you need more than what I have to give...
It seems you don't need me...
I'm afraid
So afraid of you...

With Them Everything I Though Was Real Was Just A Lie

So many conflicting emotions.
Directed towards nothing in particular.
There is no issue anywhere that I can clearly point out, no incident that I can look at and say "Hey, that is why I feel so odd."
None.
I just feel not right.
Something is wrong, or Something is missing.
The problem is I have no clue what.
This enrages me.
There are many things I want.
Sooo many things, too many things.
I have family staying at my house. My uncle from the UK, he's young and just got married a little under a year ago.
Guess what he's treating his wife to?
A world tour for 8 months.
Yeah, that's right.
I wanted to die with envy when I heard that.
I wish I could do that.
Not just the world tour.
But the bit about getting married.
There's always that fear, that no one will want me, that I'll never be good enough and thus no one will ever love me enough to want to marry me.
I'm scared that will happen to me.
Time will tell I suppose.
I think I would fall apart if that were the case.
Maybe I've already begun to unravel.